"THE DANIEL CORPORATION"

Monday, October 08, 2007

i think everyone has those days where they just feel down trodden weak and vulnerable on the inside and a longing for liberation from the current state. no its not because of the army (i finally learnt to deal with it). but today..today i feel like i've been hit with a ton of bricks. even my workout today was bland. i wasnt even thinking as i pumped. it was mindless. not as always but my mind wasnt there. i've been frowning alot today. thinking. wondering.

but on another note, perhaps adding to the way i'm feeling now.

today is officialy 1 year since my very dear grandmother passed away. it just seemed like yesterday. i remember the day so clearly..running to the mrt station at the airport. walking to the hospital. pacing up and down at the lobby not wanting to go up.

feeling so blank when i eventually did.
and the next night at the funeral. stading next to the coffin. resting my head on it. thinking. wishing. wishing...it could have been different. why? why? why? questions..and alot of wishing.
and then it hit me. my grandmother.my AVVA.. gone for good and i think to myself that she could've been around to watch me grow up. at least for a little bit more. and then it hit me. and i cried.

and thinking back a year this time. my friends. that word had a whole different meaning back then huh? people were different. we were different.i needed them and they were there for me. it was a period of time where nothing else mattered if only for that half hour they were there. august, isabel, amelia, vanessa, jon, j khoo. all standing around me. no smiles. looking at me and averting their gaze to the ground. painfully. haltingly not knowing what to do. after all we spent so many good times together and loss wwas smth we hadnt learnt to deal with yet. the quick hugs, "i',m sorry"

friend's support then was important. not because they made the grief less. noone could do that. not even now. but they did smth important. they took my mind of what had happened and they made me realise i still had alot that was close to my heart. the only things that have ever been close to my heart were people. and i dont think that it'll ever change. God made me that way. and i'll be forever gratefull.

if only the friendships lasted huh? a year ago and after some good things came to an end.
but if there was anyway that i could have my grandma with me for even just a moment more. i'd do it. i'd do anything.

but heck. its always easier to say that she's in a better place right?
I LOVE YOU AVVA.

-your grandson, anand a daniel